Subject Zero In Nirn
by Chicwowwow
Summary: When Subject Zero dies, she expects to float endlessly on the currents of the pure world. What she doesn't expect, or necessarily like is being a Goddess with eight others. Watch as the most powerful of the nine divines conquers Skyrim with her pain-in-the-neck attitude. Adaption of (Uzumaki:Subject Zero) by Piro-san (INDEFINITE HIATUS, probably abandoned at this point.)
1. Ascension

**Prologue**

 **A/N: Please note that this story is not in any way, at all, related to the Storyline of the game, or even Lore related. In fact, it's an AU. Also, while I do read far too much, this is my first real story, so I don't know if the grammar is good, or if it will be enjoyable.**

 **THIS IS AN ADAPTION OF (UZUMAKI: SUBJECT ZERO) BY PIRO-SAN**

 **s/11867629/1/Uzumaki-Subject-Zero**

Rin Uzumaki, had lived a very long live, currently being 142. This may seem like a long life to most, but to an Uzumaki, it was in fact, quite short, the average being around 230. Rin, however, wasn't distressed by her short life, her long-time casual lover, Tenten, had died ten years ago, and without the relief that their friends-with-benefits relationship brought her, she was getting annoyed with being alive. That was just the way Rin was, she was blunt and had very different values to most people. After so long alive, she found it just easier to accept her quirks, mainly, her inability to dress conservatively. Even after such a long time, she still found it easier to dress in her normal skin-tight leather pants, training bra, and sleeveless, unzipped hoodie. This was not to say that she hadn't changed at all.

Indeed, she had invented many techniques, and perfected the ones that she already had. Toward the end of her life, she had been powerful enough with her mental techniques, that she could rip mountains from the ground, and crush minds like grapes. She had perfected her mind reading as well. She had reached a level, where she could tell what a person would think, before they thought it. Her IQ, too, had only risen with her age, it now being well into the 700's. Her Sharingan had improved as well. She could interpret moves 10 seconds into the future, instead of the normal 1 or 2 seconds. She could use a few Eien Mangekyou Sharingan techniques as well, Kamui and Amaterasu. While her Kamui was far better than her Amaterasu, she still occasionally enjoyed burning things to the ground and leaving it to burn for a week, even if that was a strange hobby.

She had once attempted to burn the Hokage monument to the ground in a fit of boredom. But it hadn't worked, the heads all had strange defences, the head of the first Hokage, kept growing an outer layer of wood as fast as it burnt, the second Hokage head, seemed to liquefy before the flames hit, the third turned into a tiny adamantine model before the flames hit, missing the head entirely, and the Fourth just vanished in a flash of yellow, reappearing when the flames had gone.

One of the things she was most proud of, however, was her title in the Bingo Book, 'The Pain-In-The-Neck Nin of Konoha', or simply, 'That bitch that won't die'. Another was that, even after her 142 years, on her dying breathe, she didn't look a day over thirty.

These thoughts were wiped from her head, obviously, when she died. But she was ready, she couldn't wait to float endlessly in the peaceful currents of the pure world.

Which was why she was so cripplingly disappointed, when she found herself hitting the rather hard ground of a golden pantheon.

* * *

Wait… what?

She rubbed her eyes and checked again… yes, she was in a golden pantheon, it was rather like another that she had seen in a history book, some ancient civilization called Rope… or was it Reme, Rome? Something like that.

As she looked about the area, she noticed, with some shock, the other people that lay on the floor, rolling about and groaning. This wasn't all that shocking; indeed, it was a fall that many civilians wouldn't survive. What had shocked her was just how _weird_ they all looked. There were eight others, they all wore robes, red, green, blue, or white. Their main noticeably different features, was their skin colour. Sure, many of them had strange hair as well, but she was from the Elemental Nations, it wasn't anything new.

There was blue skin, golden skin, and green skin. It appeared that only her and four others had normal skin.

One of the women with blue-green skin, hair of the same colour and an obnoxiously large chest, slowly pushed herself into a sitting position.

"Where are we?" She asked.

Another man, still laying on the floor, though no longer groaning, lifted his head, and said "I don't know, but it feels… right? Comfortable maybe?" He sounded unsure. He was right though, the place radiated peace. I looked around and noticed that we weren't on the ground. The temple was floating, on a sea of glowing golden-blue.

The others came of look as well when they heard my shocked exclamation. They too, were surprised.

After a while of staring at the sea, another woman with golden skin and long golden stated, "We can't do anything about where we are, do any of you know why we are here?"

Another man with tanned skin and a green beard and hair responded, "I can't be sure, but given that I'm rather certain I just died, assuming you all just died as well, we can safely assume that this is some sort of afterlife."

We all responded in the affirmative, that settled it, this was an afterlife. I wasn't too disappointed; the sea of colour was riveting.

A woman with blue hair and skin and a kind small, asked, "What are your names? I can't keep referring to you as 'the person with that colour skin'."

We sat in a circle and went around introducing ourselves.

The first man spoke, he was the weirdest of the bunch, having human hands and feet, his head, however, was draconic, covered with small golden scales and horns with a slightly darker golden hue.

"My name is Akatosh, I was from the middle east."

Another man with long brown hair and beard spoke up.

"The middle east of where?"

"...The region called the Middle East, of course!"

"Nope, don't know it, I was from Perkistan."

The man with the green hair and beard, spoke up again, "I think at this point we can assume that all of our residences were on different worlds."

"How can you tell that," I asked, "That was only one example, perhaps some people here are from the same place, maybe he just hasn't travelled enough to know the this 'middle east'."

"I… I don't know," he slowly responds, "I just, know it?"

We went back to introductions.

"I am Arkey," said the man with a mane of golden hair and tanned skin.

"I am Dibella," said the woman with the irritatingly large chest, and blue-green skin and hair.

"I am Dibella's sister, Mara," said the woman with golden skin, and long golden hair.

"I am Julianos," said the man with tanned skin and long green hair and beard that seemed to just 'know things'.

"I am Kynareth," said the woman with blue skin and hair, that had the kind smile.

"I am Stendarr," Said the man with green skin and golden-green hair.

"I am Zenithar," Said the man with tanned skin and long brown hair with the beard.

They all turned to look at me. They seemed surprised that the robe I was wearing wasn't as colourful as theirs, it was black, with a red sash around the waist. _When did I get a robe, anyway?_

I opened my mouth to respond, "I am Rin, I said,"

"Maybe we should change your name," said Julianos.

"What wrong with my name!" Is shouted, shocked at how rude he was being, Only _I_ am allowed to be that rude!

He frowned, as if annoyed at himself. "What I meant, was that we all have a name that is at least two syllables, if my theory is correct, then you don't want a name that might subconsciously make people think of you as lesser then the rest of us."

That made no sense, who cared if people took me as lesser, I was a ninja, being underestimated was a good thing. Besides, if they saw me fight, I'm sure that they wouldn't dare think such things, especially not in a 5-kilometre radius of me, which was the current area of affect for my passive thought reading.

"He's right, you know," said the dragon-man, "I'm not sure what we're doing here but I might be on to what Julianos is thinking."

"Oh, and what would that be?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well," Julianos explained, "if you'll look down at the sea of whatever that is, you'll notice that there is a bottom, and past that bottom, is a planet." I looked and there was indeed a planet, though it was very dead looking.

"My theory," he continued, "is that we have 'ascended' or something and we are now gods."

It seemed ridiculous, it was ridiculous, but as I went to mock him for his idiocy, I found myself agreeing with him, against my will, I might add.

"So, what should I be called then?" I asked

"Did you have a last name," Kynareth asked, "If you did, just add the first two syllables onto your first name, and you have your god name."

I sighed in annoyance, "Fine, my god name is Uzurin," I hesitated, "tell me more about your theory."

"Not to seem arrogant or anything, but I was a very important person on my planet, I made a lot of advancements in science and math that revolutionized the level of technology. And now I'm here, and I seem to just… know things, that I really shouldn't. It is my theory that I became a god of knowledge or something. I just, well, know… somehow… that I became a god of knowledge, wisdom and general intelligence."

"I feel the same," said Akatosh, "I didn't develop much, but I did research black holes a lot, and the intense gravitational pull, and the appliances that it might have on time travel, just before I died, I made a break-through that might allow people to travel backward through time. I also discovered a new reptilian, winged creature, that had been extinct for millions of years."

Everyone had similar stories, Arkey died stopping a crack-addict from defiling the grave of some king, Dibella died in the world's largest Orgy. Her sister, died alone from heartache from missing her sister. Kynareth died protecting her world's largest tree from loggers. Stendarr died whilst fighting off a small army of mafia thugs. Zenithar died the richest, yet most honest business man in his world. And I, died the most powerful person on the planet. The rest were doubtful of that, until I rose almost the entire sea above the temple, they stopped doubting me after that.

And thus, we found that we all instinctively knew what our sphere of influence was. Akatosh, was the Dragon God of Time, Arkey was the God of the Life/Death Cycle, Dibella, was the Goddess of Pleasure and had a minor role in Romantic Love. Her sister, Mara, was the Goddess of Familial Love, Romantic Love and Affection. Julianos was the God of Intelligence, Wisdom and Logic. Kynareth, was the Goddess of the Elements and Nature. Stendarr, was the God of Righteousness and Might, and Zenithar was the God of Wealth, Labour and Commerce.

I was the Goddess of Power, and Mischief. Nobody has much trouble believing the second one.

* * *

There was a problem though, now that we knew there were divine beings, there wasn't much left to figure out. Indeed, there was almost nothing to do. I couldn't really tell how long we had been in the temple, after what I later found out to be a few years, I asked Akatosh and he made a timer, that counted how long it had been. It was currently a few millennia. After the first day, we had Zenithar, as the God of Labour, make furniture, so the temple was comfortable.

Some of the Gods and Goddesses passed the years by skirting around each other in some sort of retarded mating ritual, it was too slow for my liking, and I often referred to it as pussy-footing, much to their embarrassed indignation. Eventually, that too, passed, and relationships started to form. Akatosh, lucky bastard that he was, somehow found himself with Dibella _and_ Mara, so he was basically living Jiraiya's dream. Arkey and Kynareth got together as they had somewhat related spheres of influence. Julianos, Stendarr and Zenithar became referred to as the Asexual Triplets. They just weren't interested, preferring to spend time, thinking, making things, or being righteous. And I found myself to be quite lesbian. I'm not sure that's the correct term though, I was a God, I could just change my body and be male, but I looked like a female because I found the female form much more aesthetically pleasing.

After a few more millennia, the others stopped finding sex enough to quell the boredom, and, much to my relief, started looking for other things to do.

Kynareth was the first to come up with an idea. She proposed that we bring life to the dead planet beneath the 'Sea of Power'. It eventually became an obsession between the nine of us.

So, one day, Kynareth and I used out control over the elements to put the potential for life there, Arkey used his power to make a guaranteed thing. Akatosh used his power over time to speed up the process until it was entertaining enough to watch the growth. There wasn't any fauna though. No animals and no people. We could fix that though, we were Gods, there was nothing we couldn't do.

Arkey used his power to ensure that eventually something would evolve into people. Kynareth couldn't wait though, and made animals. Though strangely, she didn't make all the animals, just a few species, and there were a ridiculous number of wolves and bears.

Akatosh, being Akatosh, wanted to make dragons, but we delayed him, asking that we waited at least until the animals were properly settled. So Akatosh entertained himself with different dragon designs, when he was nearly finished and the animals were settled, he came to me, and asked for me to lend him some power, to give the dragons some magical power. He wanted them to be apex predators. I, being bored out of my mind, decided to let him, in fact, I did one better. I poked a hole in the bottom of the 'Sea of Power' in a way that the entire planet was covered in power, it wasn't a drain of the Sea though, if I ever wanted it to fill back up, I just made it. I quite literally had infinite power. It was more difficult to get the power to hit the planet instead of just falling into the void. There was something evil in the void, and we didn't want to interact with it. We just called it Sithis, after a something from Akatosh's home world, called the Sith.

To make the power hit the planet, I created some 'power magnets' the most effective form for them to take was a scroll. So, I made what I call an Elder Scroll. The very nature of the scroll, meant that as soon as I had made it, it had already existed, yet also had never and never will exist. Even Akatosh got a headache from thinking about it, they just kept shifting through time, but also never shifted through time. He feinted the first time he tried to track when through time they were, so he stopped trying.

But they never strayed from the planet, for some reason, and being made from my power, attracted more of it. They were passable magnets, and the power dripping from the Sea, managed to hit the planet.

So, Akatosh finished his Dragon Project, the first was called Alduin. He looked cool, though I thought Akatosh would have done a better job designing them, their neck looks like they naturally get sore necks. The dragons made my power into a vocal force, which was… different. But not very powerful. They did manage to get gravity down with it. However, that's mute because they didn't even make one to heal, which is dumb.

By this time, Humans had evolved. It was probably sped up from my power. But they were blank slates. We started to bless them, to make them functioning beings, instead of instinct controlled sacks of flesh. Akatosh gave them an upper limit to their life span, Arkey gave them a natural disgust to necromancy. Kynareth just added a small liking of cute animals. Dibella and Mara gave them the capacity for all types of love. Stendarr tried to give then righteousness, but I pranked him at the moment of the blessing, it would be no fun if they were all goody-two-shoes. Zenithar gave them a need to have currency, and to work to gain it.

I tried hard to give them a sense of mischief, I tried again and again, but to my everlasting shame, it wore off after puberty most of the time. I also gave them the ability to use minuscule amounts of my power.

They were complete, and we were content to watch them, after sending down a few guidelines, both to know that we existed, and so that they hopefully turned out to be somewhat decent people.

This is the point at which the dragons showed themselves to the humans, and began a dictatorship. Akatosh was furious, Alduin decided that he was an instrument of his father to end the world to begin a new one, not even _we_ know where the current one came from. I think Akatosh was just angry because if Alduin succeeded, we would be without entertainment. Not that Alduin could 'eat' the world, but he could destroy all life, which would be irritating.

The reason Alduin thought he was an instrument of destruction was, once he was created and still a small child. He spent a few years in the temple with us, until he was old enough to put on Nirn. We was wandering about and heard his parents in a... comprimising position, not that he knew that. When he heard

"… oh yes, Akatosh *indistinct mumbles* … uck me … hard… you destroy Nirn."

Alduin, being the innocent, impressionable child he was, thought that he could make his father proud by destroying Nirn. Over the course of a few hundred years he had tricked himself into thinking he heard more than that, and thought that by destroying the current planet, a new one would arise… There's probably an innuendo in that somewhere.

Thus, it was with great shame that we saw humans become the very opposite of what we wanted, though I was quite happy that it wasn't boring. Rape and Theft were high, people often didn't work for riches and bemoaned the fact that they didn't miraculously get them. People hunted many types of animal into extinction. Most people forgot how to use the logic that was given to them by Julianos. The thing that was most irritating, however, was that many associated my power, _my power_ , with _Julianos_ , the teme couldn't even comprehend the reality bending qualities of my power. Even then, to add salt to the wound, the humans didn't even use it to its full potential, they didn't even use all the elements. Admittedly, they became rather good with healing, but their elemental 'spells' couldn't even destroy a sturdy house. The biggest explosion I ever say was 30 metres in each direction. That was just _pathetic_.

And then they decided to use _my_ Elder Scroll to set Alduin loose on the time stream. Akatosh was still too irritated to save him. Thinking the fact that he didn't save Alduin was maybe enough for Alduin to realise that his father wasn't please. He was right, Alduin did think Akatosh wasn't pleased, but thought that Akatosh was disappointed that he didn't get the job done. Though the thing that really annoyed me was that they used an Elder Scroll to do it. Those things are inefficient as shit. It's like using potatoes to power an entire city, it can be done, if you have enough potatoes, but that's a metric shit-tonne of potatoes gone. It took almost .0001% of my power, that's a millionth. Of course, I just 'wished' the power back, and it's all back. Theoretically, I could overflow Aetherius with raw power if I wanted to. But I don't want to do that… totally.

Don't even get me started about when Akatosh had to step in 200 years ago to stop Cyrodiil being wiped out by a minor demon from the void. I mean really, a _Minor Demon._

I needed to fix it, they needed to be better, more mischievous, less stupid with my power. The easiest was to influence them was from up close, so, I decided. I would head to Nirn myself.

 **A/N: How was it, did it meet your expectations. I know that it might seem like telling, not showing. But it was just to set up for the next chapter. I'm trying to make this humorous. I think I'm failing badly.**


	2. An Explosive Entrance

**Chapter One**

 **A/N: This is the first chapter that takes place on Nirn, there is a little more of Aetherius at the start though.**

 **I could also really use a Beta, if anybody is offering.**

 **THIS IS AN ADAPTION OF (UZUMAKI: SUBJECT ZERO) BY PIRO-SAN**

s/11867629/1/Uzumaki-Subject-Zero

When I explained my plan to the others, I had expected a little more resistance, I did not expect, for them to be fine with me leaving, when asked why, they explained that there really wasn't anything going on up in Aetherius, and I went down to Nirn for a while, I would be able to make events more entertaining for the rest of the Divines.

Akatosh said that there needed to be nine in the temple for it to be stable if I wasn't on it, considering I kept if floating. I suggested that he go back in time, and collect a random person who wasn't completely useless and bring him to the temple, instead of letting him dissolve in Aetherius like normal. Then when I got back, I could just drain the power he gained from being on the temple and chuck him into the Sea to be dissolved. You see, the Sea of Power is highly corrosive to those that aren't Gods. When people die of Nirn, their soul gets sent upward through the Sea of Power, theoretically, you would ascend if your soul could make it through the Sea. That's simple impossible for a human soul. Though there was that time a few years ago where a rabbit ascended. It's still around somewhere. It became the God of Rabbits… it's kind of useless, because it's still a dumb animal, just a powerful dumb animal.

So Akatosh went back in time, and picked some mortal who renamed himself Talos and brought him back to the Pantheon. We spent a few days calming him down and explain why he was here and what he was supposed to do. He got pretty upset about him being there for one of use to have some fun. It took a few more days for him to realise that we are _Gods_ , we really don't care what he thinks, we were 'alive' before he was even a twinkle in his parent's eyes, whatever that saying means. Eventually we got to a point where he wasn't constantly trying to jump into the Sea. While humorous, this was exactly the opposite of what we wanted, we wanted him to be her, on the pantheon, for at least a few years while I had my fun. We did try to reason with him, but for some reason, he didn't take the fact that Sovngarde was just an illusion made by the dead soul very well.

Once he was safely unconscious, and placed in an out of the way area, where he could be detained until I returned, I prepared for my trip to Nirn.

"Do you have everything you need Uzurin?" Asked Kynareth, as she helped me finish packing. I wasn't taking much, just some flasks of diluted power. I didn't necessarily need to consume anything, but it was always nice to have something in your stomach. I found that at different concentrations, it was like different alcohols. Raw, it was practically Everclear, but diluted, I could make it as strong as the average beer, or red wine… milk too if I felt like it, but really, whoever wants milk over alcohol… Bloody milk-drinkers.

Coming out from my internal tangent, I respond.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ready. I don't really get why you wanted to help me pack by three flasks into a pocket dimension, but whatever."

"Silly, I helped you pack because we're sisters, even if not by blood. Not that we could be, you know… lack of DNA and all that."

"Yeah, I know Kynnie. See you when I get back. I hope you find my travels through the illustrious Skyrim wilds entertaining."

"I'm sure I will," she sighed dreamily, "Skyrim always was my favourite, always had the most beautiful views, despite its harsh terrain."

"You do know you could just ask me, I could just melt all of the ice, make it a tropical paradise." I offered.

"I would've if we had just started, but all the animals are accustomed to the cold now, it'll take too long to go through each animal and reprogram them, thanks for the offer though. I'm sure I'll send down requests every occasionally, just for entertainment."

"Right, well… seeya, I've gotta go talk to Akatosh." I said, a bit awkwardly. She said nothing for a few seconds, before rushing over and giving me a hug.

"I know that it's literally impossible for any of them to pose a threat to you, but try to be safe, please." Kynareth whispered, she really was my closest friend. It was hard to go through several millennia living together without at least becoming acquainted.

"You know I will, Kynareth, I have to go now. Bye"

"Goodbye. I'll see you when you get back," she said resolutely.

As I headed toward the main pantheon, I thought of what I would do, when I did make it to Nirn. I would definitely see if there were any dragons left alive, I know that there were some that escaped the purges, after the fall of Alduin. Who knows, maybe Akatosh will want to let his son out of the time stream to screw with me. That's fine though, I was always Alduin's favourite aunt. I'm sure things will go fine.

Maybe I'll screw with the Jarls, that would be fun, they're always so quick to panic, threaten them with fire, threaten them with flooding by cats, threaten them by kidnapping their family, I've seen if all. Every time they start to panic. Maybe I'll threaten him and have my demands so that he stops panicking. That might work.

I had entered the main pantheon, the one with the really nice view of my Sea of Power. Maybe I should think of another name for it. I've tried before, but I've never really come up with a better name.

"Hey Akatosh?" I asked, "Do you think you should warn the Jarls of my impending arrival, make them panic more, it'll be fun to watch them scurry about like mice."

"No," He replied, such a _fun person_ Akatosh is. "I've decided that the best time for you to arrive, would be before the destruction of Helgen, that is the first place Alduin attacks, after all."

"Well yes, but you know that Alduin acts like a doped-up puppy around me, always jumping about, trying to get scratches, I wouldn't want to ruin his street cred. I'll arrive then, but I'll be disguised. I'll show myself to Alduin after he leaves, that way I can give him a warning from you, maybe induct him into my plan. I know you won't be nearly as forgiving as you were the first time, if he tries to destroy the planet again. If it really comes down to it and he doesn't listen, I can just knock him out and take him back to Aetherius, that way he can't make trouble."

"A well thought out plan, very well sister, I'll make sure you arrive in the right time period. You can go now."

I stepped out onto the veranda overlooking the Sea, jumping lightly into the railing, and fell forward, into the swirling golden-blue abyss of power below. It's not like it can hurt me, being my power and all, but if it wasn't my power, then this would've been a bitch to get through. No wonder the others didn't want to go to Nirn. Ah, speaking of Nirn, I was approaching. Now that it was far too late for me to stop my descent without actually trying, I thought about how I planned on landing. Would I go for a large ground-quaking explosion, a light touch down, simply appearing on the surface. All three were equally impressive, though the first drew the most attention. Which is what I wanted out of this trip.

Having decided, I upped my speed, so as to produce a nice crater upon landing.

* * *

At the last moment, I noticed my clothing, I was still wearing my black robes, I would've changed earlier, but I saw no reason too, I guess it's one of those instinct things that we had discovered, you know, wear robes in the pantheon… or something. I changed back to my old skin-tight pants, though they didn't fit anymore, I guess I had grown since my ascension. I knew that I had gone from a high b-cup to a mid c-cup. I swapped my training bra for a chest binding, and made the waist of my skin-tight leather pants a little larger. I still had my Uzumaki 'laser blades', as I called them. I put a dark black, elbow-length cloak with emerald green trimming around me, and put on my fingerless black gloves, I thought I looked pretty damn good, my hair looked a lot like Kurenai's with a red tint. I was nearing the surface now, I had passed through the upper layer of clouds. Any normal human would have hit terminal velocity at this point. I was a Goddess however, and a little Power, decided that my terminal velocity didn't exist. Nor Did friction or air resistance for that matter.

I was glowing now, I was giving of a whistling sound from the speed. At this point I can see enough of the planet to decide where I want to land. I activate my Sharingan to give me a few more seconds to choose. If I wanted to get straight to the action, I would land a little out of Riverwood. Otherwise I would land otherwise and focus on building a spy network.

I decided that I needed to get to the action straight away, I did tell Akatosh that I would speak to Alduin soon after I landed. I decided to land a little way before Helgen.

Is that a prisoner cart, on the road? No shit Rin, of course the prisoner cart is on the road, where did you think it would be?

I was getting very close now… I could slow down, but this is their fault for being underneath me.

Should I pretend to be injured when I land… maybe?

They've noticed me. I don't think they know I'm a humanoid, perhaps they think it's a meteor.

KABOOOOM. There's a lot more dust and a lot less rock then I would have thought. Then I register the fact that I accidently hit a horse, and the man subsequently riding the horse… Oh, look, he's still alive. And screaming for that matter. The other men are nearing. There are only a few that have weapons, but there's probably some battlemages amongst the pack.

Just as the Imperial Soldiers were about to enter the dust cloud that remained from my landing, I blew it away. I always found it endlessly entertaining to do that. I didn't use any elemental manipulation, I just blew my breath toward the ground.

As the dust settled, I relished over the looks I received from the soldiers. To be honest, I'm slightly disappointed that resistance to seduction wasn't ever added to the official training for Imperial soldiers, it would have made things much more fun.

"Who are you?" Asked one of the men on horseback, demanded really. "You are interfering with official Imperial business and I ask that you step aside, before you are charged with murder an Imperial soldier, for that man you crushed."

I took my time getting to my feet, and made a show of bending in seemingly impossible ways, while making overexaggerated cracking sounds from my bones. Finishing up my stretches, I decided that the easiest way to find Alduin, was to just go with the flow, if it worked, it probably meant that Kynareth was helping.

"I… um, I'm not really sure, sir. Where are we?" I had developed this technique a few hundred years ago, back when the idea to go to Nirn appeared in my head. By channelling some Power to my eyes, lips, tear ducts, vocal cords, and general aura, I could melt the hearts of the heartless. It was pretty clear that they had instantly fell for my act, one of them toward the back was drowning in a pool of blood… but that was normal for humans, I think.

"R.. Right, um, yeah… Right, okay, just follow us ma'am, we'll take you to safety, we're headed for Helgen right now, unsavoury business though, nothing you'd want to talk about I suspect." I think the captain had a little crush on me. That was cute, maybe I'd save him for later, twist him to my way of doing things, but that seemed just… I don't know, plebeian?

Realising I had spaced out, I coughed – adorably if I do say so myself – "You big soldiers wouldn't mind if I took a ride with you to Helgen would you, I'm really tired." I said, voice and knees trembling.

Needless to say, they scrambled to accommodate me, finding a surprising amount of furs and bundling them up in one of the prisoner carts. There were four other occupants, so it was a little squishy. Knowing everything, as I do, I knew who these guys were, a horse thief, from Rorikstead, a soldier, from Riverwood, fighting for Ulfric Stormcloak. Who just so happened to be in the cart as well, though there were bindings around his mouth to stop him from speaking, bah, if he had truly mastered even a smidgeon of my power, he would be able to get himself out of this mess. There was also another one, though she seemed to have a little more power than the average civilian. And she smelled, almost reptilian. It was almost like she… was a humanoid dragon.

Damn it Akatosh.

* * *

There wasn't much talk for the first half of the trip, the horse thief, was just freaking out, which was weird, it's not like they'll just take us to an execution straight away… right, Ulfric.

When the humanoid dragon woke up, things picked up, Ralof started talking, and introduced himself, he got the horse thief to calm down at least. He's rather loyal to that Jarl of his, I bet I could use that at some point. I wonder if I could start a civil war within a civil war, civil warception.

The dragon just wasn't talking, so I took initiative.

"What's your name?" I asked, I used some more Power, make it seem compelling.

"*indistinguishable croaking*," She started miming to her throat, almost like…

 _Oh_ , now that's entertaining, thank you Akatosh. A _mute_ Dragon. And what's that I feel in the distance, it appears that Alduin just got let out of the time wound. Everything's coming to a head in Helgen. I'll bet that Alduin senses the dragon here, and waits until the last second to save her, so he's more dramatic. Once he saves her, I'll have to talk to him.

I think I have a rough plan though, maybe get Alduin and the humanoid dragon in on it. Besides, if I bring the humanoid dragon with me to convince Alduin, there's no way he'll ever disagree with me. After all, there's never been a female dragon. Akatosh didn't want to guess on the design of female bits, and was too embarrassed to ask one of the Goddesses.

"Oh, you're mute?" I ask, I have to add a little more Power this time, so it wasn't offensive. She nods.

Now that I'm focusing on her, it's clear that she's literally a dragon, not a humanoid dragon, it's like Akatosh took everything that made a dragon and shoved it into a female humanoid shell. He probably got Arkey and Kynareth to help with that. If I'm right (of course I am), then I could just bless her, so she could change back to a dragon at will. This of course, makes her human form just as immortal as the dragons.

This is the first time I've ever considered playing match maker with dragons.

* * *

We're approaching Helgen, the horse thief is freaking out again. I'm meanwhile, trying to figure out how to get alone to talk to the female dragon. I also can't keep calling her female dragon, does she have a name, or has she just been created. That's something that Akatosh can do, he makes something, and ages it to the appropriate age, then just shunts it into Nirn. You end up with an adult with 'amnesia'.

With a little scanning, I can safely assume that she's just been made, that means her body will take a little while to get used to the power running through it. She'll probably kick-start it when she sees a wall or something, and then just assume that she can only learn new things when they see walls. When she needs only know the language and then she could anything.

The general is talking to a Thalmor soldier. At least they have a good fashion sense, because that's pretty much all they've got going for them. If the Thalmor is how I think they are, they're probably the one behind this entire civil war, bastards that they are.

We've pulled up now, and it seems that the captain forgot that I was in the cart with the others, he's either the most forgetful person in the world, or there's something else going on here.

The horse thief just got his name called, but he just ran for it, time for mischief I guess. They're shooting at him, I could save him. But he legitimately is a criminal, so I guess I'll just make it an awesome death.

The arrows started to disintegrate, which clearly shocked the soldiers, it only got worse. The dust started to merge with each other while still maintaining their previous velocity. It turned into a huge wooden stake. Which stabbed the thief in the back, before the stake melted to cover his whole body except his head, and then started to shrink. I got the inspiration from Gaara's sand burial move. You get to watch their face as they're crushed. Once he was dead, the wood melted off of him and started to reform into the original arrows, before crawling back to the archers. Like tiny, deadly caterpillars. Most of the archers refused to pick up the arrows, but were too well trained to run from them like little bitches. The rest of the soldiers seemed a little green though, and started to edge away from the archers.

"You there, what's your name. You're not on the list." Asked another of the Imperial Soldiers, Hadvar. Apparently, he's an estranged childhood friend of Ralof. But still, he's clearly stupid, she's been miming to her throat for at least two minutes. I guess I'll step in.

"She's a mute." I say. Now that I think about it, I need a way to be even more adorable. Maybe a little shorter, a bit bigger bust. Larger eyes, add a natural twinkle. Plumper, but smaller lips. Cat ears? Yeah go on. Might as well add in a tail as well. Now my father was a Khajiit. Cat ears means I have to remove my human ears, so I'll extend my hair to cover that. I need to add those whisker marks I used to have. It's perfect. I just need to change my voice box so that I can purr, and everything I say has a purring undertone. And I'm adorable.

"Oh, sorry about that," he says, he seems rather awkward now, "Captain, she's not on the list, what do we do?"

"Screw the list," she yells, scowling. She must be on her period. "She goes to the block anyway."

Ahh, damn. Now the dragon's panicking. I'll just put my hand on her shoulder, and add a little Power to calm her. But, she's resisting magic, I guess being a dragon changes her human form as well.

"You're not on the list either, are you." Poor guy, he seems stressed.

"Nah, sorry." He seems to have expected that though, he just waves his hand toward the chopping block in a resigned way.

The priest is speaking now, they seem to think that there's only eight divines, what's that bastard Talos done now. It's like they hate him on principle, but why. If Akatosh went back and got him. It'd be like he was always a divine. I'll ask Akatosh later.

"Shut up, I don't have all day, let's just get this over and done with!" Ooh, he's a brave one. Shame, he'd be alive if he'd waited a little longer. And he's dead too, shall I mess with them… what am I saying, of course I should.

As the head hit the ground, the sky turned black, the sun turned red. The buildings were twisted, turning into disturbing towers of black stone, covered in blood. Hands reached up from the ground. And the head looked up, eyes glowing red, horns growing from its hair.

And it screamed.

* * *

The dragon, the prisoners, and the other villagers looked on in confusion as the guards and the priest fell to the ground screaming, trying to claw their eyes out.

"Reckon we should help them?" I asked the dragon. She seemed conflicted, but shook her head. Maybe I should return her memories? Even if Akatosh accelerated her growth, she still would've spent a month in the temple. Now that I think about it, she's probably the little girl that I spent a few days playing with. I would've thought it strange that she was there several millennia ago, but weird shit just gravitates around the temple.

"Yeah I guess you're right. Hey, look at me for a second." I say. As she turns to look at me, I quickly gather her memories from the aether, which is where Akatosh usually sends abandoned memories. As I meet her eyes, I shunt her memories back in her head. This sounds painful, but it's like delivering a package, her mind 'opens' it, and then sorts it to where everything should be.

She collapses, but I catch her before she hits the ground. I'll have to control her body until she wakes up, there's a small chance that she'll try to fly out of instinct. So that'll by weird if she does.

Oh look, there's Alduin. I guess he felt her feinting, and thought that he was too late. He'll probably destroy the town, but that's fine. As long as he sits still to talk when he's done. He always was a little too active for me, I preferred Parthurnax's attitude.

"HEY, ALDUIN, SAY HELLO TO YOUR FAVOURITE AUNTY." He nearly falls out of the sky when he hears me. If it's possible for a dragon to pale, I think he would've just feinted from lack of blood.

 **A/N: I tried to make this chapter a little longer than the last one. I also tried to put in more of Uzurin's personality. Some more humour was attempted, though I'm still not sure I'm getting it.**

 **If anyone wants to Beta, please apply. And please, don't ask to be a Beta if you suck at grammar.**

 **This story is an adaptation of Piro-san's Uzumaki: Subject Zero.**


	3. Boat Houses and Boy Scouts

**Chapter 2**

 **A/N: This is the chapter we meet Alduin. Uzurin will probably spend a little bit of time with both Alduin and the Dragonborn. The Dragonborn will probably just go along with whatever Uzurin wants to do though. With Uzurin's character, I just go with the flow, making decisions on the fly. I find that fits her character pretty well though.**

 **THIS IS AN ADAPTION OF (UZUMAKI: SUBJECT ZERO) BY PIRO-SAN**

s/11867629/1/Uzumaki-Subject-Zero

I was certain Alduin had heard me, but he seemed determined to just pretend he hadn't, this wasn't exactly nice. I was now entertaining thoughts of just destroying the entire village, just so he didn't have an excuse for ignoring me. Another problem on my mind was the dragon. I probably shouldn't have returned her memories. I mean, sure, now she knew who she was and wouldn't be such an emotional mess which I was sure she would turn into. The problem is that now, she can't factor properly into my plans. Either I'll have to include her, and then convince her to raise hell. Or I just leave her and see how things turn out. To be honest the latter seemed to be the best idea for me. I could just leave a clone with her, how much trouble could a dragon-human-thing really cause without proper instruction.

I think my best chance for an entertaining chain of events, was to leave her with Alduin, He'll teach her about important stuff for a dragon to know, and then she'll probably side with him in the coming conflict.

With the dragons coming back and nobody able of killing them and keeping them dead, people will panic. Panicking people make easily irritated people. But really, I'm not one for planning. I'll just go with the flow and see how things turn out. First things first though. This town is in the way of my talk with Alduin. So, I guess I'll break it.

 **[Play Naruto OST – Crimson Flames]**

Power flooded my body, I brought in what I thought to be a reasonable amount for destroying a small town. My hair was whipping around, the ground started cracking underneath me, the Earth shuddering in every direction for miles. There was so much Power I started glowing. Chasms started cracking open, huge spurts of lava roaring up razing everything in their path.

Clouds started gathering overhead. Swirling around, purple lightning crackling along, lighting up the sky with a demonic hue.

The lava started twisting as the winds picked up. Giant twisters started to form forcing rock, dust, lava and people into a giant funnel as it met with the electrified sky.

Just as the deathly powerful elements touched. Everything exploded.

Huge tidal waves of Power ripped free from my body. Carving huge trenches into every nearby surface. Everybody that was still alive started hallucinating. Red skies. Death. Grinning skulls. Demons reaching up from the ground. Lava started burning the ground for miles in every direction, branding their destructive force into the ground.

Lightning danced along the ground, scorching everything in its path black. Starting forest fires.

As more power was released, the very earth thumped. Rippling outward like a pebble dropped into a pond. The entirety of Skyrim felt the tremors. As houses shattered, being buried under the tsunami of rippling molten stone.

The female dragon stirred suddenly, her face flushed from the heat of the elements, and the headache her memories were sure to cause. Suddenly everything stopped. Lava dropped to the ground. The clouds dispersed and the chasms of red started closing. And like time reversed, everything flew back inwards, started to smooth over the landscape. Trees were rejuvenated, mountain tops were reassembled, everything except the town that it.

Helgen had ceased to exist.

* * *

" **So, let me get this straight. You, want me, to take my sister. And teach her how to be a proper dragon?** " Alduin sounded choked. Like someone had told him the world was ending.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Why is this so hard for you to understand?" It really wasn't difficult. Besides, if she stayed with me, I might accidently destroy her or something.

" **No, I understand what you're asking, but why?** " Alduin started to calm down, which was good. I really didn't want to have to hurt him.

"It's really quite simple, if you teach her, then she won't have to figure it out on her own, it's not like I could teach her. And then once you're done, you have another dragon to use in your phony conquest."

" **Hey, it's not phony. I'm making my father proud. Once Nirn is gone, a new, better world will take its place.** " His proud, nasally tone was getting to me now. I really shouldn't kill my nephew, but… damn he's dumb.

"You know what, whatever. We've told you time and time again that we don't want Nirn destroyed. Nirn was here before even us. We don't know if another one will be built. But if you want to risk it, go ahead. The matter of the fact is, if you get close. I'll have to step in, and nobody want that. It normally ends up in beheading." But Alduin just refused to listen. I had considered before that he was being possessed to do it. But I couldn't see any signs of possession. So, it must just be Alduin.

" **Yeah, that's nice aunty, umm… look I have to go. Sooooo. I'll just take my sister and go?** " And with that he scooped up the dragon, and flew off, towards the Barrow.

Sometimes I swear that child was dropped on his head as a baby. Now I just needed to wander about, and find something to do. Riverwood was a good start, I could probably get a quest or something from there. I could just mess with people too.

Having decided, I began my trek to Riverwood. There were a few wolves along the way, but it was easy to convince them to reform. And thus, began the Wandering Wolf Club. It was said generation after generation, that if you wandered into the unknown, the club would find you and grant you infinite food. You would never starve in exchange for being a pacifist.

Riverwood was boring, I decided. I immediately needed to spruce it up. There wasn't any one thing that was wrong with it, just a bunch of small things. People always said that small things could be fixed with a little sprucing up. Having a plan in mind, I made for the trader.

It was smallish, well-made I suppose, but rather plain. I knocked on the door quickly, I had a lot of work to do and couldn't take too much time.

A rather plain woman opened the door. Average height, brown hair and eyes, crappy dress.

"Quickly madam, quickly. You need to come into the store immediately!" She yelled before bodily dragging me into the building. "There is a vast, epic mission. To return a beautiful, ornate golden claw to its rightful owner. You are new, you must be the chosen one!" She was certainly enthusiastic, I would give her that.

"Who is this Camilla, I have told you to find me the chosen one and I find you spending time with unknown hussies? Inexcusable!" And there was the brother, even more foolish.

"I apologise with the fullest extent of my heart and most of my toes, Mein Bruder. This simple and ugly hussy was passing the shop. She must be the chosen one, such is the ancient rule. They who is not involved, is now involved. Those who are unprepared, are still unprepared, but must do the things." My, she was a brave one. I was considering killing her, but it was just too entertaining to stop it now.

"Meine schwester, you arte forgiven. Aber! You must be punished! She is clearly too ugly and plain looking to be the chosen one."

"Mein bruder!"

"Meine schwester!"

No! This cannot be allowed to continue. I have to do something, they are clearly channelling the spirits of a rude Gai and Lee.

THWAK

"… Sullen exclamations, your technique was sloppy, you clearly missed most of the face. You can see that only the top half of meine schwester's head is gone."

"I'm too fucking old for this shit. Take your fucking spruce sapling and shove it up your arse. I'm outta here!" I yell shoving the sapling into his chest and making for the door.

"NoooOOOOooOOOOooOooOooO. You are the chosen one, you ugly, malformed gorilla of a maiden. You must travel up the mountain, into the unknowns. Trek past the legions of crims, undead and doom. There you find a lich of wunderbar power. Moi moi. Challenge him for his booty. Take the booty and return. After which you hand me the ornate, encrusted golden claw. I shall then claim your body as mine own, and you will serve me and mine for ze rest of ze timez."

"What…" I really am getting too old for this shit. I attempt to hand him a pamphlet on the dangers of Crack Cocaine.

"Look, bro. I stopped by to give you a spruce sapling. I'm not going on a quest. Why would I even want to"

He beings 'seductively' running his hands along his body.

"Are you being of the seriousness? Look at mine bod. I am a specimen of perfection justified by the glory of the bodies heavenly that dance cross mine sky. The infinite is made finite. The indescribable is rendered plain. The divine is reduced to mortality. I am risen from base… To sexy. You simply must take mine quests! I will reward you!"

This is too fucking weird. I won't take more of this random shit from mortals anymore, Damn it!

People walking by the local weird store, heard only screams for days before the store disappeared in a red distortion of space that left only the smell of brimstone and a spruce sapling.

I walk out of town, still shuddering periodically. That was far too close. His unique brand of insanity nearly broke my mind. I mean really, he was promoting himself while being tortured. Anyway, I can let it go. He's gone, and so are all of his earthly spawn.

I was currently walking towards Whiterun. I had turned left at the crossing at the end of the Riverwood bridge, this normally would take you to the Barrow, but up ahead there was a standing stone that marked a place where you could leave the path and head straight for the Whiterun outskirts.

As I was thinking of my destination, a wolf appeared in front of me. Growling threateningly. This was another one of the unenlightened, he would need to be informed.

"Hello, my brother. Tell me, have you heard of the Wandering Wolf Club. They offer great health benefits, like abandonment of your body upon death. On the up-hand, if you are pacifistic, they will give you free food. All you can eat!"

The wolf wasn't having any of it thought. It's a shame I tell you, none of the wolves wanted to listen to my advert. The only one that had listened was the weird anthropomorphic wolf that was disguised as an anthropomorphic cat. He was weird, he kept trying to stab me, and then sell me Moon-sugar, and then buy it back before trying to stab me again.

The people sure are unique in Skyrim.

I think the wolf doesn't want to join the WWC. That's a shame, but if he's going to be difficult about an innocent job offer, then he surely doesn't deserve to keep that useless head on his shoulders. Anyway, now that he's stopped being a complete body, and is more of a jam-y texture, I can continue onward towards Whiterun, the central most city of Skyrim, trade centre and your general not-poverty-ridden cool place. It is a little small though. Me and the other divines have a theory, that the residents of Whiterun start killing infants when the population starts growing over a hundred or so.

* * *

"To arms, my brothers!" One man screamed, "We must destroy this giant to stop it from killing the crops in this empty field!"

At this point, I was desperate for a sensible person to appear in Skyrim, it appeared to me, that mortals either were broken, or had to be scared into being even close to normal. I really had nothing better to do though, I _could_ kill the giant for them. Granted, having the mortals do their own work builds character, character leads to self-reliance, which leads to sensibility. But could I rely on them to keep their sensibility. Maybe everyone in Skyrim had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I certainly would make sense. Their mead was much stronger than the Sake from the Elemental Nations and the amount that the Nords drank would kill most infants. I honestly think that the fact that the children are Nords as well contributed to their survival of birth. What would the Nords be like if I started dropping pamphlets on proper care of unborn children? Surely some people would heed my warnings, which would slowly over the generations lead to more and more people following it. That might lead to a smart Skyrim. Maybe then we could get the entertainment we wished for! Battles with tactics and generals and armies larger than twenty people! _Sigh_ , I could hope.

"Well that's taken care of, no thanks to you." Said one of the women within the group of 'warriors'. She was dressed like a whore too, feisty though.

"I'm sorry, I appear to be lost. Could you help me find what I'm looking for?" I ask, in what I hope is a vulnerable tone. She grumbles in irritation.

"What are you looking for?" She sighs.

"Oh, I'm looking for where I give a shit." I say, with a mercifully serious tone. With the ease of longs years of practice, I keep my face neutral, which is made a lot harder when the rest of the group starts snickering.

She starts scowling, looking rather wolfish. She must be one of those retards in Whiterun that decided it was a good idea to accept a blessing from one of the irritatingly meddlesome minor demons.

"Whatever, I didn't want to help you anyway," She shouts, "You certainly won't be allowed into the Companions now!" I put on a scandalized face.

"Why on Nirn would I ever want to be in a group of hare-brained, milk-drinking, tit-pickling mercenaries?" I replied scathingly, using as many commonly used Skyrim insults as possible. There were a few that I left out of course, I, a Goddess could do much better. It would've sounded weird though.

The woman in the skimpy outfit just ground her teeth, looking mildly constipated with all the thinking she was doing. The others in her group seemed like they were mildly insulted but where having too much fun to really do anything about it.

"Yeah? Well, uh… You, you… douche!" She ground out. Wait, she actually knew the word douche? I mean, that's like, just wow!

"Whatever," I replied flippantly, my hair over my shoulder. "I don't really care about what you think, nor do I really want to join the boy scouts." I didn't have to put up with her bitching, I had places to be, dragons to scold and things to kill.

I found a disturbing amount of joy in walking away from her without looking back, listening to the beautiful sounds of her practically spitting in her rage. I could practically feel the wolf in her howling for blood, it's a shame she had such good self-control – for a human anyway – I would have liked to beat the shit out of something. Unable to resist myself, I called back to her, without looking.

"Just go back to your little boat club-house and sit in the corner or something!" That should do it, if she or the others don't attack me now, they surely would within a week or so. At the very least I would be on their bad sides in the future. Seemingly without noticing, I crouched down to tie my shoe laces, dodging the cudgel that the whore had lobbed in my direction. Now feeling spiteful, I said to her.

"And on the way back to Whiterun, maybe you could find some clothing that doesn't make you look like a hoe!" Cackling, I vanished into thin air. At least that's what they thought, I was still around watching their reactions. Needless to say, they were amusing. The whore was apoplectic. Nearly unconscious, so intense was her rage. Her face was a disturbing mottled purple. Her companions, were less angry. Still murderous, but a more tempered murderous and less of a 'spread-your-entrails-across-three-countries' murderous.

 _Sigh_ , I just love the little mortals.

 **A/N: Sorry this chapter is a little shorter. I hope it's a little funnier than the last few.**

 **I still need a Beta. But whatever. Enjoy.**


	4. Fanboy Farengar

**Chapter 3**

 **A/N: This is the first chapter of Whiterun, honestly, this chapter is probably going to be filler. I still need to figure out where I want this story to go. While my writing style is generally just to make it up on the fly, I don't think it'll work for much longer. Also, this chapter features many different perspectives, because I'm trying to expand on my writing style.**

 **THIS IS AN ADAPTION OF (UZUMAKI: SUBJECT ZERO) BY PIRO-SAN**

s/11867629/1/Uzumaki-Subject-Zero

Whiterun, I had decided, was quite a plain town. And it was a town, there were nowhere near enough people to be classified as a city. There were old, crumbling walls, shoddy defences and not a lot of worth. What it did have, however, was character. I know that's what real estate agents say when they want to make an old house seem interesting, but Whiterun ran on its people. There were factions, that went out amongst the common people. There were temples, markets, taverns, smithies. And the old, yet surprisingly structurally sound, Dragonsreach Hall. Every person, living close by, talking with each other. It gave Whiterun a feeling of peacefulness.

Though it would've been better if the boy scouts where elsewhere.

I had decided to talk to the Jarl before I did anything else. I didn't really need to do anything else in Whiterun. I could make anything myself on the go, so I didn't need the smithies. I had an infinite amount of money, so the markets were useless as well. I didn't need sleep, or company, so the taverns and guildhalls were negligible. And the temple was for healing… what could injure me?

It was at this point though, that I realised. When one is immortal and All-Powerful, a Goddess, the point of doing anything isn't the goal. It is how to get to the goal. I could make the most powerful armour in Nirn, but if I made it by hand, taking the hours and hours that it would, then I would feel better about myself.

And so, it was that I found myself in one of my few moments of melancholy since I ascended. I had never wanted more power. I had been plenty powerful during my mortality. What I wanted was not family, nor possessions, nor respect. I just wanted to be content. Completely sated, without a single need, urge, or irritation.

That was rather difficult to achieve.

But no matter, I will just continue as I always have, doing menial tasks to alleviate boredom. I was going to tell the Jarl, of the destruction of Helgen. I was, of course, going to emphasise as much as I could on the utter destruction. When he then decided to do something about it, I would request to be help. Knowing Skyrim as I do, I would then be sent on a long list of menial quests while events would be growing to a boiling point in the rest of Skyrim. There was strife of every kind. Political strife, monetary strife, marital strife.

The people in Skyrim, were hardy people though, not quite as hardy as those in the Elemental Nations, in some ways. But much hardier in others.

' _Welp, that's enough of being depressed. I'm gonna terrorize a Jarl!_ '

* * *

"My Jarl, what do you think of the destruction of Helgen?"

"Farengar, do not try to trick me, I know what you want. You aren't going to go investigate the site, Whiterun needs you here. You are our best mage!" The Jarl yelled. "What if whatever attacked Helgen shows up here? what would we do? We cannot stop something that can destroy a town on a whim. You know how precarious our position is at the moment. We are surrounded by possible enemies on all sides, and we cannot allow our attention to waver for even a moment. The Elves would destroy us on principle if given the chance. We cannot choose between the Imperials and The Stormcloaks, lest the other destroy us, nor can we wait too long before being forced to choose. And now this new enemy! I'm sorry, my friend, but I cannot allow you to go."

"I understand, my Jarl. I was simply asking if you would allow me to hire a mercenary, or perhaps dispatch a group of guards. There is a stone, in the Bleak Falls Barrow. If I am correct, it may allow us more knowledge on this new enemy of ours. If it is what I think it is, then perhaps we can kill them before they go any farther!"

The Jarl was quite for a moment, in contemplation. He knew that many adventurers passed through Whiterun, many of them pilgrims. Though the pilgrims had slowly stopped coming with the death of the Gildergreen. There were many people that could be asked to do the task, and then he wouldn't have to spend some of Whiterun's fund, not that there was much. Hell, if they had enough to hire mercenaries then they would have proper walls. The soldiers would be trained properly. The barracks in Whiterun were smaller than some of the small towns for crying out loud! No, they most definitely didn't have enough Septims to get some stone that may, or may not help. Maybe the khajiits' that camped outside the city would be interested. If they completed the task, then he would just give them one of the pieces of armour that weren't being used by the guards.

"I'm sorry Farengar, Whiterun simply doesn't have the funds at the moment. You know that adventurers oft come to Whiterun though, it is the 'trade capital' of Skyrim. Eventually someone will come along to get your stone for you. We don't even know if this rock will really help. As well as that, you know that there are many bandits in that area of the mountains, what if the mercenaries try to charge us extra to deal with the bandits on top of the stone! We don't have enough guards to send some of them either." He tried to sound sympathetic, he really did. But this was a vain hope and he couldn't risk the lives of his citizens on fairy tales.

"I, I understand my Jarl. I shall wait for an adventurer to pass through." Farenger sounded like a child that had been denied a bucket of candy, but knew that he would get it eventually. In other words, very angry, but struggling to contain it.

As Balgruuf sat back down, Irileth came in from the side door. Not many people knew about that door. Mainly because of the evil sword down there, it was said to drain the lifeblood of your enemies. That sounded like a boon, sure. But it was said that you needed the favour of the Daedric Prince Mephala to weild it properly. It didn't even look like a proper sword, it was all weird and curved, like an Akavir sword. Irileth was one of the only people that could go down there without being called to the sword. He often had to physically restrain Farengar from researching it.

"Irileth, do you have any information about the Helgen attack? Was it some new spell, giants perhaps?" If only it were giants or mages, those he could handle. If it was a Daedra like he feared, then they would be having a lot more problems.

"No, my Jarl. I'm afraid I don't know enough to rule out some new spell, but it definitely wasn't giants, to be honest, it seems more like Daedra. But it was incredibly powerful, it's not like Helgen was destroyed, it's more like it never existed there in the first place. Even the trees and bushes have grown back over the site of the attack. If I hadn't been there so many times, I would've thought I had gotten lost and missed it." She sounded pained, Irileth had a few friends in Helgen last he checked, he would have to give her a few days off.

"So, it seems to be as I feared then, a Daedra lord?"

"That, or an incredibly powerful normal Daedra."

Balgruuf felt defeated. Most people thought that being a Jarl was a simple job, the new Jarl of Falkreath certainly made it seem that way, but it wasn't. It was very difficult, and the amount of political bullshit you had to wade through on a day to day basis… Let's just say that Balgruuf was tired of it and leave it at that.

"Also, my Jarl. There was a bit of an altercation seen by the guards." Irileth said, more like sighed. Looks like Companions infamous temper had caught trouble again. I waved for her to continue. "The Companions had felled the giant that was troubling some of the farms outside of Whiterun. When a woman showed up in the middle of the battle. She didn't do anything, just stood there. When the battle was over, Aela – you know, the huntress – moved to intercept the woman. She was irritated for some reason, the woman said something back to Aela, that, reportedly, made her rather angry. As the other woman walked away, Aela threw a cudgel at her, but the woman dodged. Aela is still catatonic with rage it appears. The woman was moving toward Whiterun."

Balgruuf sighed, he really couldn't wait to hand over the Axe of Whiterun to some unlucky traveller. Oh sure, it was a great honour and all, but it also tied you to Whiterun and gave you at least half of the paperwork of the Jarl.

"Please tell me that this woman didn't press charges against the Companions, they always end up in front of me somehow."

"Ah… no, my Jarl. The woman has vanished, but is believed to be in Whiterun."

"I think that's a fair assumption, I think I'm in Whiterun too."

…

"GUARDS!"

* * *

"Look, I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't sneak up on a Jarl, you know?" Balgruuf exclaimed.

"I really didn't know, but next time you feel stab happy I'll be sure to move... by the way?" Uzurin said.

"Yes. What is it now?" Balgruuf was worried, this couldn't be good.

"I think I want to press charges against the Companions. Please?"

"I, just… how would you like this axe, it's really cool. It's like they key to the city." Balgruuf said, shamelessly advertising his free take-my-paperwork axe.

Uzurin didn't want the axe though, she had a better axe, it was called Freak Splitter, and was blessed in the blood of the Riverwood Freaks.

"I'm not taking the axe, dude. Look, why don't you give it do one of your more pretentious citizens, like that guy that keeps propositioning me."

Balgruuf felt his eyebrow twitching, could eyebrows twitch? They could now. He should actually get that looked at.

"Which… guy… was this?" He ground out, he could practically feel his teeth being worn down.

"It was that guy, you know, I don't know his name. He was like, do you come to cloud district… what am I saying of course you don't. And I was like, your telling me this in cloud district. And he was like, well… I mean… and I interrupted him and said, you aren't the sharpest snout in the snoot. He didn't like that and stormed off with a huff." She said this all in a rush, but it was a strange rush. It was like she didn't need to take another breath but said if fast out of habit… I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion either.

"I'll consider giving some paperrrr… I mean, an axe, to Nazeem. That had to have been Nazeem."

…

"You know, he said my flesh smelt weird, because I was prepared using Elfin spices, rather than just salt. I didn't know people were prepared with spices. I need to talk to Kynnie about that" Though the last part was muttered.

"I'm just gonna go find Nazeem, that's the third person he's annoyed this week. There'll be no more people in Whiterun left at this rate."

* * *

Farengar walked down the hall of Dragonsreach, thinking on his new project. He was certain that dragons were coming back to Skyrim after all these years, but how? His… associate agreed with him. But she always seemed a little frenzied, a little too certain that there were in fact dragons returning. She seemed to want to blame the elves for it too. How could elves be at fault for the dragons returning, if they were, in fact, returning. They couldn't be resurrecting them, it was proven that necromancy spells worked only if the target was either a) smaller then you, or b) had less magicka then you. There were some exceptions, but Dragons broke both of those rules. And thus, the spell wouldn't revive them and the excess energy would turn into thrust, pushing the corpse away from the user. Many mages had considered using necromancy spells on inanimate objects as a kind of, rough telekinesis. Or a banishing spell of sorts.

There was shouting coming from the main hall. Irileth was one of the loudest, she always had been a banshee, even if he never dared to say so to her face. He had once seen one of the newer guards, just over from Hammerfell, call her a loud-mouthed wench.

They found his body… in 327.4 pieces... over the next week.

There was a new voice too, it was, beautiful. But that seemed inadequate, it was more than beautiful. It was as if, someone had brought together every nice sound on Nirn, and compressed it into a mortal body.

It had been noted that Farengar wasn't one for poetry.

"… Really shouldn't sneak up on a Jarl, you know?" That was Balgruuf again. The other voice responded, it was too quiet to make out, nothing like the loud braying of Nordic women, or the harsh tones of the beast-men. Nor, was it the dull tones of the elven folk. It was, smooth, in a word.

Farengar had to see this person, would she live up to her voice?

* * *

"You know, Balgruuf?" The Jarl heard. "Your little mage is scampering about, I think he's on the second floor now." Uzurin, for that was her name apparently, seemed bored. So disrespectful as well, it was exactly how he wished Irileth was, perhaps their relationship would've lasted beyond the battlefield if she was less tense.

"Yes, I imagine it's because he lives here. Farengar is… special, I think that's how he has been described. Of course, there was that one Orc that called him, I think a 'weak-willed, spineless, brindleborf of a man'. But that might just be the Orcish side speaking."

"Yes, I thought that too, until he started climbing onto the rafters, I think he's spying. Would you like me to get him down?" Balgruuf sighed. He wasn't worrying about the possibility of Farengar spying, this happened disturbingly often. It was like he became an insatiable horn-dog once every month. It had, shameful as it was, been likened to a period. He didn't see much of Farengar after that so, _very_ helpful comment, from Lydia.

Suddenly, there was a shout from above, Farengar had fallen from the rafters again. It was like dealing with _children_.

"shitshitshitshitshitshitshit! Ooof." Farengar let out a lung-full of air as he hit a barrier, just above the fire pit. Everyone was speechless for a small while. A translucent field of writhing blue energy had stopped the idiot mage before he hit the fire.

"Right…" sighed Balgruuf. "I should've known by now that you never get out of beds on a Morndas."

* * *

Farengar had calmed down, Balgruuf has stopped considering suicide as a viable method of clearing paperwork. Most importantly, Irileth wasn't trying to kill everything in sight. Not that she could. Apparently, she'd had some bad experiences with Farengar and his clumsy stalker tendencies. Once she put her sword away, she told me of a time when she had just come to Whiterun, and Farengar had been spying on her in the changing rooms of the barracks. He had been hiding in a wooden locker, and had fallen out, onto the floor next to her. Apparently, he hadn't been skilled enough in Restoration Magicks to get back the three inches down there.

This wasn't a new thing, according to Irileth, Farengar was a diehard pervert. Always stalking new women that came into Whiterun. It had taken seven months for him to leave Irileth alone. Now, I wasn't going to take that, it sounded annoying. Not to mention that I wouldn't be able to do any _really_ cool stuff with him watching on. So, what could I do to get rid of my annoying follower. I suppose I could threaten the rest of his genitalia, but that mightn't be conducive to relations with the rest of Whiterun. _Sigh_ , I suppose there's nothing for else for it.

"Come on, Farengar, didn't you have a stone to get, we'll go get it."

Dear God-That-Is-More-Godly-Than-I, is he _squealing_?

 **A/N: Sorry that this is a little late, and a little shorter than normal. I had a load of work to do, and by the time I remembered that I actually had a chapter to write… I basically just rushed it. But Farengar has a crush now?**

 **Plus! Did anyone stand around in the Whiterun markets long enough to hear that line of Nazeem's about salted flesh and Elven spices.**

 **Anyway, Enjoy. I think there was something I was going to say but I can remember what it was.**


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